Catatonic

“Yeah, I heard you.”

Now scientists have proven something that cat owners have known since… 

Well, since we walked like Egyptians.

Japanese investigators tested 20 housecats to see whether they recognized and responded to their owner’s voices vs. the voices of strangers.

Their results?

Yes, cats do indeed recognize those who wield the mighty can opener in their homes, however…

They choose to ignore them.

Yeah. Some of us have discovered this without a big research grant.

And yet, for some strange reason, authors always fall for felines.

Somehow, they manage to thrive around all that unrequited love…

“I simply can’t resist a cat, particularly a purring one.”

—Mark Twain

But clearly, Mark, your cat can resist you. Big time.

“A cat has absolute emotional honesty: human beings, for one reason or another, may hide their feelings, but a cat does not.”

—Ernest Hemingway

Yeah, Ernie, and science says your cat honestly thinks you’re not worth a hill of beans.

“If you want to be a psychological novelist and write about human beings, the best thing you can do is to keep a pair of cats.”

—Aldous Huxley

What Aldous means, I’m sure, is that cats will provide significant psychological trauma so you can skip all the other “compost” most writers rely upon for inspiration.

“My cat does not talk as respectfully to me as I do to her.”

—Colette

Finally, a little honesty.

And then there’s W.H. Auden, who was apparently too far gone to be helped…

“Cats can be very funny, and have the oddest ways of showing they’re glad to see you. Rudimace always peed in our shoes.”

—W.H. Auden

Um, Wystan… I don’t think “glad” is the word you’re looking for.

Well, I couldn't let Auden have the last word, so I did my own investigation regarding this apparently dysfunctional author/cat relationship by interviewing a local resident.

My results?

 “Talk to the paw.”

PROMPT: It’s a great day to tackle the internal dialogue that accompanies the cat cold-shoulder. What are they thinking? Well, not about you, that’s for sure.